Pre Natal Depression — Charlize Ferris

Here's Wooley looking forlornly at a distance at the Cliffs of Moher to suit the theme for this emo post. 人间有希望!

You start to wonder why people get so happy over pregnancy

You don't want people to be happy for you. It makes you cringe a lot. It makes you so uncomfortable. But you also feel uncomfortable if they don't look anywhere near happy when they know.

You feel so paranoid and kind of self blame because everyone say you need to be happy. But how? Then starts feel guilty about not being happy making you feel more sad.

Then starts to think about having a sad baby because people days says sad mother equals to sad baby. Now feel more sad. The cycle is just sad, sadder and saddest. You can't control.

You're filled with so much sadness and fear. Yet curious about the new life at the same time. Then end up starting to compare yourself w other happy preggers.

What doesn't help is those terrible first trimester side effects. Makes you feel like living hell physically and mentally.

It's hard to describe depression because many times, I just felt so overwhelmed with sadness and there's just no good reason to justify why I am feeling like that. It's like being captured by an emotion. I feel no reason to be happy, neither is there a reason to be sad, but the mind just choose sad and be trapped by sadness. I get meltdowns which are terrible. They usually start from feeling moody (can be over some sad stuff that happened or no good reason at all), then panic attack, then pent up sadness towards the end of the day I just couldn't move from one place to another because doing anything feels sad. Then the uncontrollable sobbing will begin. I remember in between sobbing I'll wonder why am I so massively sad. I tried to find answers to justify but mostly I feel that they are made up. If you're that sad over something, you know should it right away, you don't really need to probe yourself. I generally feel better when my husband (who has been super supportive and insanely understanding during those dark times) starts cradling me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. Once he wasn't around, I learnt to confide in a friend who had prenatal depression. I remember she managed to get me out of the sorry state of curling on the sofa tearing alone in an empty house to sitting up and getting out of the sofa. Thank you, An.

Another day, at work my assistant showed me the death certificate of my other colleague’s stillborn child. My assistant didn’t know I was pregnant at that time and she was just doing her job. It freaked me out a bit, then it got worst by the day. At the end of the day, I just wanted a good meal to cheer me up. Specifically, I wanted a good coffee shop style chicken chop. I settled for a takeaway chicken chop from a coffee shop near home because my husband was in a rush to go for sports. The chicken chop turned out to be absolutely crap. This bad tasting chicken chop just broke something inside me and I started crying really hard. Till now I don’t know I was crying over my colleague’s stillborn baby or the chicken chop was just so crap. Thankfully my husband was still home at that time, he canceled sports and cooked me a pretty damn decent chicken chop. Thank you, hubby!

I am now completing this half written post at third trimester and I am happy to say that I overcame pre natal depression that took over most part of my first trimester. What really helped was having really supportive friends and husband. A husband observant enough to see that I needed help and forced me to go and see a doctor about it. I was prescribed Progesterone to manage my emotions and those negative thoughts that took over my logic. Through the difficult period, my husband made so much effort to put up with me and cheer me up. I walked out of pre natal depression and decided I didn’t need to be on hormones anymore during the initial weeks of the second trimester. If you are reading this as a pregnant lady feeling really down and find some similarities in my encounters, I want to tell you that it is ok. It is ok and common to pre prenatal depression. It is not a big deal if you don’t let it be, make an appointment to see your gynecologist and talk about it. It is not incurable and you can walk out of this. I did and I am now happier than ever, so can you.